The First Step - A Letter to You

You left me. You left me. Whatever little adventures, missions, urges you had to get out of your system, just to think you can come back to me, I hope you enjoyed. I hope you enjoyed them so much, because you’re going to have to go back to them. My broken heart can’t just heal because you’ve realized what a great thing you’ve walked away from. I’m not saying I was perfect…I’m not saying we had a perfect relationship. But it was everything I wanted. You were everything I wanted…until…

I asked you why you had left me. Your answer: 1. You feel like I’m pushing you away, 2. You don’t think I’m taking our relationship seriously, 3. You don’t feel like you were a part of my life, 4. You can’t help me feel better about losing my mom, 5. I wasn’t there for you. Each one of those reasons is bullshit.

1. Push you away? Why? Just because I wasn’t ready to move in with you after a year? Like that’s some kind of rule or something. You haven’t been in a relationship that has lasted more than a few months, so how does that make you an expert on when we should move in? And I was ready to move in with you, but I had already signed the lease with Jay. It was rush-rush, and I didn’t have time to think about what I was doing. Still grieving over my mom, still disheveled from being unemployed, I made the decision with the only bearings being that you and I fight a LOT. It didn’t help that you were badgering me about it either. I wanted to move in and even talked to Jay about him moving in with Laura a little down the road so you could move into our place until the lease ended. I didn’t want to lose you, so I postponed us moving in. I asked you to be patient with us moving in because I was going through a lot. In fact, I believe that is the only time I’ve actually asked you to do something just for me. The first time I reached out and told you exactly what I needed. I’ve always done all that you asked of me, haven’t I? You asked me to be patient about your jealousy, I was. You asked me to not give up on you, or give up on us, I didn’t. You asked me to be patient with all of your hang ups, low self-esteem, body image issues, depression, being a hypochondriac etc., and I did…without question or hesitation. Yes all of those things you had been going through frustrated me. But did I give up on you? Did I give up on us? When you love someone, you don’t walk away just because things get hard. You make it work, you help your partner, and make it through the dark, difficult times.

2. How was I not taking our relationship seriously? Not taking it seriously would be breaking up with you, spending less and less time with you, and stop saying I love you. I told you everyday that I loved you, even when you were mad at me. I told you how beautiful you were to me, and how much I appreciate the things you do for me. I even said I’d go to therapy with you. I spent 90% of my 3 months off with you. Missing out on parties, get-togethers, and other what could have been good times, to hang out with you. And I didn’t regret missing out on those times. Times with you were good times. I liked being with you. You made me feel whole, and useful, and loved.

I had a choice to make: Take the good paying shitty job, or the low paying job that will make me happy. Why did I take a job that I knew I wasn’t going to like, if I had just left a job that I hated? You don’t have to believe me (since you do think I made it up as a ploy to get back with you), but I did take this job to be able to afford an engagement ring and pay for a wedding, and save enough to start a family. If you had held on until the summer, I would have proposed. I knew exactly what I would have said to you too. I had it planned out, but you were too impatient and gave up. The only reason why I told you about proposing to you was to defend myself when you said I didn’t take us seriously. Not to hope you would get back together with me. If we had gotten back together after that, I don’t see how I could have possibly proposed to you after the way you broke up with me. You look like the one that didn’t take me/us seriously. You broke up with me…again…through a text message…again. Are we in high school? Make up/break up. No communication other than a message that took you about 30 seconds to write. Awesome. Yet apparently I’m the one that didn’t take us seriously. LOL.

3. You feel like you weren’t a part of my life. As mentioned above, I spent 90% of my time off with you. And before that, we spent just about everyday together. You always tell me that it’s not fair for me to bring up things that happened in the past, yet you had no problem telling me over the phone that it still bothered you that I didn’t take you to Chris’ going away party….that was about 2 months into our relationship over a year ago. So let’s make a list of all the times I didn’t invite you to something:

1. Chris’ going away party,
2. Guys night at the bowling alley (twice),
3. Jess and Cassie’s homecoming,
4. Tricia’s going away party,
5. Coheed and Cambria show (which we weren’t even together for when you broke up with me and could have gone as there was a free ticket)

…can’t think of another. Maybe you’ll have an easier time thinking of times I excluded you. But here’s a list of things you’ve excluded me from:

1. Liam’s going away happy hour (or should I say date since it was just the both of you?), 2. Zach’s homecoming/every time Zach was in town,
3 Every time you hung out with Eric (and I still don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you, but it really bothers me to this day),
4. Every time you went to Wolfe’s with your mom,
5. The countless lunches you had with Jeff during my 3 month time off when I live 5 minutes from your work,
6. Your meetup.com events,
7. Your “blind dates” with ‘girls’,
8. Drinks with the guys after work,
9. Bruno/the Hangover,
10. Koto’s,
11. Game night at your house, apparently, with Jeff,
12. Or how about the times you blew me off when we had plans because you were mad at me so you went and did something else without me?

It may only look like 12 things, but most of them were repeated many times. So I exclude you? It looks like it was the other way around. And the funny thing is I didn’t mind that you had a life outside of us. I didn’t care that you did these things. And if I did get mad or jealous, I got over it quickly.

And speaking of not feeling like a part of someone’s life…I rocked your birthday. I did for you all the things you wanted, and celebrated all weekend. How did my birthday go? Could you return the favor? Could you be there for me during the difficult time? No, your shit was more important…again. (You talk about wanting to feel like numbero uno in my life, but you shuffle me aside all the time to deal with your problems, when I shuffle my problems aside to deal with your problems. See the problem here?) It was more important to go see yet another guy who is admittedly in love with you. You ignored my calls and texts, and you broke up with me on my actual birthday. Was all of that supposed to make me feel like I was a part of your life? I busted my ass trying to make your birthday special. I had plans for your day, which you made me break because you didn’t want a big deal for your birthday. Then 2 days before your birthday, you tell me you do want it to be a big deal. I had to scramble to get reservations for Koto on a Friday night (grill table). I went above and beyond with your presents because you said no guys has ever really given you something. I did everything in my power to make you feel special and happy on your birthday, and I nailed it. What did I get? I got yelled at by you in your car. Then you broke up with me. Then you spent the weekend with some douche bag that has a crush on you. Awesome. And that whole jealousy thing comes up yet again. You expect me to be patient regarding your jealousy, so I’m not allowed to hang out with girls. But you only hang out with guys…and most of them have told you that they’re in love with you. And I’m supposed to be ok with that? You said, “That’s not how I roll. I can’t be with a guy that gets jealous about me having guy friends.” You said that during the whole Eric fiasco. But at the same time, you tell me to be patient with you. Do you see how fucked-up-backwards-hypocritical that is? You did that a lot through out the relationship, and I let it go. You threw out all of this, ‘do as I say, not as I do’ shit. And then you get mad at me for doing a, ‘tit for tat’? Ok, well how am I supposed to know if something hurts you if you are obviously ok enough with it to do it to me? Was your thinking along the lines of, “Well what I’m about to do will probably hurt Tom…I know if he did it to me, I would be really hurt…I think I’m going to do it anyway, and then when he thinks it’s ok to do it, I’ll tell him it’s wrong. Then I’ll tell him he’s being a jerk and that he’s just trying to get even with me. Yeah, sounds like a plan.”? Because that’s the way it felt. Like everything you do is right, and when you’re wrong, you can just apologize and everything is fine. Just because you say you’re sorry doesn’t mean that I’m not still hurt by what you had done. It doesn’t go back and erase all the really dumb stuff you did/said.

So you didn’t feel like a part of my life. Hmmmm. It really seems like to me that you were the one that pushed away. I’ve wanted nothing more than to spend all of my time with you. You told me that no guy has ever dated you for more than a month before he had to take a week long break from you. I never took a break from you/us. I loved you, and I wanted to be with you as much as possible. Hell, I even went on that terrible trip to Boston with you and your parents. The biggest reason why I broke down and cried is because spending all the time with your mom made me miss my mom. Seeing the things she did for you for Valentine’s Day made me realize what I was missing this year. All I wanted to do was cook you a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at my house, and be cuddly and lovey with you all night. You wanted to go to Boston…that’s fine. But again we end up doing the things you want to do. Like on New Years’, I booked the hotel and martini lounge because you wanted to do it. Then you were sad about your sister, and didn’t feel like it, so again we did what you wanted to do and stayed in. I was just happy to spend the night with you, so I didn’t care what we did. But it’s really ballsy for you to get mad/upset at me for being sad about my mom on St. Patrick’s Day (we’re Irish, and you know it’s a big deal for me), and having to take care of some of her business, when you’re allowed to pretty much shut down New Years’ Eve because you’re sad that you sister went back to AZ. Hypocritical? I think so. St. Patty’s Day parade, you wanted to do the Pub, so I bought tickets and I wanted us to meet up with some of my friends, but you over indulged and got sick, and changed the plans on me…again.

4. You can’t make me feel better about losing my mom? No shit. Could you make your mom feel better about losing your Oma? Does she still get sad on days that were important to her and her mom? I’m guessing yes. But do you divorce your parents, or move out and stop talking to them? No, you stay with them. That’s the only thing you had to do for me. Be with me. When I’m sad, holding your hand, getting a hug or a kiss, hearing that you love me or just sitting next to you is all I needed to feel comforted. I never asked you to do anything to make me feel better about it. It wasn’t your job to make me feel better. I’m supposed to grieve. Grieving is natural, and takes time. There’s no magic fix-it button, or time limit, or anything when it comes to losing a loved one. I took comfort in you being there for me. If you felt like you were doing a ‘bad job’ at being there for me, that is just some fantasy you made up in your head. Because I was happy with what you had done for me. You can’t just fix everything. Just like you couldn’t just fix your mom’s feelings when she lost her mother. It’s not your job, responsibility, or duty. I was happy with you. I didn’t expect you to just make everything all better, and I didn’t look for you to try to change my mood when I was sad. I needed to be sad. Being sad is natural when it comes to grief. I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t sad, if I could just get over it. I’d be worried if I was so sad over my mom, and you do or say something magical that just made everything all better. It would make me wonder if I had any remorse over losing her at all.

5. I wasn’t there for you? Who took you to the hospital whenever you were freaked out about something with your body? Who made it a point to tell you everyday that he loves you? Who held your hand or hugged you when you were sad? Who told you everyday that you were beautiful? Who listened to you when you were upset (either with your sister, your mom, your dad, work stuff, school stuff, your body, your feelings)? Who pushed aside his own wants and needs to satisfy yours? Who gave more than he had to you? Who didn’t give up on you? Who didn’t give up on us? Who looks into your eyes and you know he loves you without him even saying a word? Who gives you butterflies after 9 years? Who goes to bed early because you have to be up early? Who doesn’t go out on a Thursday night when he doesn’t have to work on Friday so he can spend quality time with you? Who took a job he didn’t like so he could be a provider and a husband for you? Who said he would go to therapy with you? Who said he wants to work on communicating better with you because he loves you so we stop jumping to conclusions from poorly worded text messages from you? Who was at your Christmas party with your family even though he had no family of his own, so being in that situation gave him severe anxiety? Who made our anniversary special, romantic and amazing to prove to you how much you mean to him? Who paid for everything while he was unemployed because he wanted to be a gentleman, a provider, and a man you could be proud to be with? Who almost fought 2 big ass dudes because one of them grabbed your ass? Who rubs your back when you’re feeling sick? Who gives you a massage almost every time we’re together? Who gets up to get you a drink in your own house? Who sleeps bundled up because you get cold even though he gets hot? Who will put on Dawn of the Dead for the 100th time rather than a comedy he wants to watch? Who drops his bad day and sadness because you’re having a bad day and are sad, and he wants to cheer you up? Who says wise ass comments to put a smile on your face when you’re down? Who loves you more than any woman he’s ever been with? Who was willing to spend the rest of his life with you? Who was there for you?


The way you broke up with me was inexcusable. How did it go from how much you love me and appreciate me on Sunday, to you dropping a text message break up with me on Wednesday? That is a tremendously drastic change. Especially when you tell me that I should hang out with friends that week because it was my last week before work and I’ve spent almost all of my time off with you. So, you tell me to do something, and I have plans for that Saturday to do something, and you get mad at me? I’m irritated that when I follow your directions and do what I’m told by you, I still get in trouble. You find some way to be mad at me. Like we’ve talked about, I’m not a mind reader, and you need to tell me what you’re actually thinking/feeling instead of the opposite all the time. It’s really fucked up that I’m supposed to know that I’m really supposed to do the opposite of what you say. If you can’t be honest and open with me, how were we supposed to work?

I may never know the real reason why you broke up with me. Maybe you stopped loving me. Maybe you found someone else. Maybe you just need some time to be on your own and figure out yourself. I don’t know. But for the reasons you gave me above, I harbor a ton of resentment towards you. I thought I had my heart broken before you…I was wrong. This hurts worse than any of those other times. I am completely devastated. The only way I can get over you and move on with my life is to be mad at you. And that I am. I feel like your reasoning and motives were selfish. I feel like the way you handled everything was immature and infantile. And I feel like you are a liar and I cannot trust you. I have never given you an opportunity to doubt or not trust me. I’ve been faithful and loyal to you. You spent more time with me than anyone else so you knew exactly what I was doing all the time and you knew I couldn’t possibly be capable of cheating on you or anything like that. Yet you were always jealous and accusing. And now from your actions, questions are arising about things you may have done with others while dating me. Your insecurity in this moment is making me insecure. You’ve created a monster, and I’m putting a stop to him. No longer will this monster have sleepless nights feeling lonely for you, feeling empty, and feeling sad. No longer will this monster not eat for days on end because his stomach is anxious and in knots over missing you/wondering what/who you’re doing. No longer will I drown my sorrows away in alcohol and drugs. I’m better than that. I say goodbye to you…and hello to the old me.
The funny thing is you will probably bounce from relationship to relationship with guys you don’t love, searching for whatever validation you need, not realizing that you had it all along with me, but you just chose to ignore it. You chose to close your eyes or look the other way when I was giving you everything you wanted. Or if I wasn’t giving you something you needed, you never spoke up and told me what you needed. I’m sure you will find a guy who loves you as much as I did, and I’m sure you will eventually settle with him. But one thing I can say for sure is no man will love you the same way that I did, and no man will ever make you feel the way that I did. You walked away from a really great guy, and he can’t go walking after you again