You can talk to me if you would like, but I don’t think you would want to hear what I have to say. I have thought a lot about what had happened between us. I was kicking myself for so long wondering what I had done wrong. Through many sleepless nights and weary days, I finally had my “Tiffany Epiphany”. The only way to explain my thought process is to take you through the steps that I had to go through.
It was eating me alive. The acid had leaked out of my broken heart had finally began to melt my bones and set my soul on fire. I began to wonder if my heart has ever really been broken before. Being 25, I was positive I had loved and been in love before. I was wrong. This sting, this agony was driving daggers into my heart and brain day in and day out for weeks. A good man told me that the only way to get over this feeling was to hate her. Hate her? How could I hate someone who I loved so much? How could I hate this person who I had thought would spend the rest of my life with me, and grow old with me? Maybe hating her wasn’t the answer, but something had to be done. And done it was. I got angry. I got mad and resentful to the point where I could just be glad that it was over, and I could move on…
I had laid awake all night that night…still lovelorn. Then it struck me like a ton of wet cats. I remembered the truth. I remembered what actually happened rather than the fantasy that I had built up in my head. I remembered…everything. After dating for over a year, she had left me. How? Through a text message…again. On my St. Patrick’s Day. A day that my Irish family holds dear. My first recollection of this day sent me back to Alive at 5, just the summer a year before. Tiffany had broken down and cried all night to her ‘friend’ Eric. They had been discussing an authentic German cuisine that her grandmother used to prepare for her as a child. When I tried to sympathize, she had gotten angry. When I brought to her attention that she had vanished for over an hour, she got even angrier. When I reminded her that she wanted to get to know my friends better, but she hadn’t actually really spoken with any of them, she had had enough.
She slammed her drink on the table, called me an asshole, and broke up with me…all in front of all of my closest friends…for the second time in a 2 month span. After about 15 minutes of pouting, she had finally come back to the bar. Still in her drunken rage, calls me from outside and demands that I speak with her at once. Obediently, I exited the bar. Outside she had pulled me to an abandoned parking lot to ‘discuss’ what happened. Or, rather, yell at me, slap me, throw my phone (while her mother called, desperately trying to get her intoxicated daughter into the car), and utter hurtful and scornful remarks. Things such as, “this is why Emily left you”, “you’re the worst person I’ve ever met”, “I’m better off without you.” After an hour or so of abuse, I told her that I needed to leave. I was my roommate’s ride home, and we were ready to go. As she implored me to drive her back to my apartment to get her car, I had to fight her keys away from her. I made a deal with her. I told her that I could take her back to her parents house where I’m sure one of them will give her a ride to her car in the morning, or she could stay at my place and drive home herself when she sobered up. After being called an asshole for another half hour or so, she decided it would be better to come to my apartment and sober up. I hid her keys and made my bed on the couch, saying she could have my room. I finally got settled on the couch when I see her standing above me. I roll over on my side and try to ignore her. She asks me to come to bed with her. I tell her that I am better off on the couch. She laid on top of me and started kissing my neck and face. A few minutes later, I caved and went to bed with her.
Why should this story have any relevance to St. Patrick’s Day? I forgave her the next day. I told her that I understood that she was emotional about her grandmother. I said that it hurt that she can’t talk to me the way she did to Eric, but I understood her connection to Eric. I told her that I loved her and would never give up on her or us. I never talked about that day again. I guess when you actually love somebody you can forgive them for just about anything. I’m not sure how me being at a bar to talk to someone who loved my mom and was not aware she had passed away was too much different than what she had done to me. Only I didn’t embarrass her in front of all of her friends, I didn’t talk to a guy who was in love with me for over an hour, and I didn’t belittle her and hit her. I just did something that I had to do. When I was so quick to be understanding the next day, she couldn’t return the favor. I didn’t hear from her for over a week, and when I finally did, it was me who went crawling back again.
Going backwards, I remembered how that whole St. Patrick’s Day fiasco began…really began. She likes to think it had been a long time coming, but this wasn’t so. Earlier in the week, Sunday, she had told me how happy she was to have me in her life, how much she loved me, and how much she appreciated me. Saturday, at the parade, I had defended her and stood up to two men that had wronged her. Then, in her intoxicated state (surprise surprise), I had taken care of her all day. I nursed her, gave her back rubs, brought her water, and bought her a burrito. So, yes, who wouldn’t have been appreciative of that? In her happy state on Sunday, she had told me that I have been spending so much time with her the last 3 months, that it would do me some good to hang out with my friends prior to going back to work the next week.
Monday I had received an email from my good friend Trisha. She had sent out an invitation to the old gang to get together and celebrate her going back to Georgia. Since she is pregnant, she will not be able to travel so much after the baby is born, so she wanted to say her final goodbyes. After a few emails back and forth from the group, I learned that spouses/significant others were not among those invited. I suppose her rationale was that she was pregnant, she gets tired frequently, and she had an early flight the next morning. I didn’t argue because I understood. However, when I broke this news to Tiffany on Monday evening, she had gotten quite upset. She practically hung up on me, but not before making plans with me for Tuesday night after her classes. Tuesday afternoon comes and I receive a text message (surprise surprise) stating that she is not feeling well and will not be coming over. I call her later that night and she says that she is so upset about not being invited to the going away party that she is physically ill. She claims to have just gone to bed after that, but I suspect she saw Jeff instead. She said that she was mad that I didn’t immediately ask if Tiffany could go with me to the party (even though I didn’t make the guest list, and I had already known that spouses/significant others were not allowed…but I suppose that is some how my fault).
Wednesday I text her first thing in the morning, like I always do, to bid her a good morning, and wish her a good day. Her reply, “u2”. All of a sudden she’s a huge fan of Irish rocker Bono. Then I do not hear from her all day, though she normally sends me a message or two during her lunch break. But I suppose drinks (at lunch…surprise surprise) with the boys had run late because I didn’t hear from her. Though I did have much to tell her. Lots of things in fact that I was going to tell her on Tuesday, but she was too busy sulking like a 5 year old, so I never had a chance. She waited until she left work to talk to me. But, I had already begun the plans which I had made when she was ignoring me. It probably didn’t matter anyway because I’m sure she went right over to Jeff’s for some ‘consoling’.
A quick interjection here. I never trusted Jeff, and I never liked him. His snide comments towards me and the inordinate amount of time that he spent with Tiffany was suspicious. Additionally, the messed up ideas he would put in her head would drive me crazy. The articles he would cut out for her about, “How to tell if he is cheating” and “Can guys and girls really be ‘just friends’?” bullshit is inexcusable. Did I ever interfere with his relationships? For the record, I never cheated on Tiffany. Why would I have? She was everything to me. I didn’t need anything from anyone else, and I was happy with her and who she was. Did I have opportunities to? Yes, but so has she. Every guy she has ever hung out with eye-fucks the hell out of her…even when I’m around. And the amount of time that her and Jeff spent together, gave them plenty of opportunities to hide the sausage. Am I saying that Tiffany cheated on me? No, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out she did.
To be continued…next up is the beginning – Chris’ going away party part I and part II; my mom’s funeral; Eric; birthdays and Marines…etc.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The First Step - A Letter to You
You left me. You left me. Whatever little adventures, missions, urges you had to get out of your system, just to think you can come back to me, I hope you enjoyed. I hope you enjoyed them so much, because you’re going to have to go back to them. My broken heart can’t just heal because you’ve realized what a great thing you’ve walked away from. I’m not saying I was perfect…I’m not saying we had a perfect relationship. But it was everything I wanted. You were everything I wanted…until…
I asked you why you had left me. Your answer: 1. You feel like I’m pushing you away, 2. You don’t think I’m taking our relationship seriously, 3. You don’t feel like you were a part of my life, 4. You can’t help me feel better about losing my mom, 5. I wasn’t there for you. Each one of those reasons is bullshit.
1. Push you away? Why? Just because I wasn’t ready to move in with you after a year? Like that’s some kind of rule or something. You haven’t been in a relationship that has lasted more than a few months, so how does that make you an expert on when we should move in? And I was ready to move in with you, but I had already signed the lease with Jay. It was rush-rush, and I didn’t have time to think about what I was doing. Still grieving over my mom, still disheveled from being unemployed, I made the decision with the only bearings being that you and I fight a LOT. It didn’t help that you were badgering me about it either. I wanted to move in and even talked to Jay about him moving in with Laura a little down the road so you could move into our place until the lease ended. I didn’t want to lose you, so I postponed us moving in. I asked you to be patient with us moving in because I was going through a lot. In fact, I believe that is the only time I’ve actually asked you to do something just for me. The first time I reached out and told you exactly what I needed. I’ve always done all that you asked of me, haven’t I? You asked me to be patient about your jealousy, I was. You asked me to not give up on you, or give up on us, I didn’t. You asked me to be patient with all of your hang ups, low self-esteem, body image issues, depression, being a hypochondriac etc., and I did…without question or hesitation. Yes all of those things you had been going through frustrated me. But did I give up on you? Did I give up on us? When you love someone, you don’t walk away just because things get hard. You make it work, you help your partner, and make it through the dark, difficult times.
2. How was I not taking our relationship seriously? Not taking it seriously would be breaking up with you, spending less and less time with you, and stop saying I love you. I told you everyday that I loved you, even when you were mad at me. I told you how beautiful you were to me, and how much I appreciate the things you do for me. I even said I’d go to therapy with you. I spent 90% of my 3 months off with you. Missing out on parties, get-togethers, and other what could have been good times, to hang out with you. And I didn’t regret missing out on those times. Times with you were good times. I liked being with you. You made me feel whole, and useful, and loved.
I had a choice to make: Take the good paying shitty job, or the low paying job that will make me happy. Why did I take a job that I knew I wasn’t going to like, if I had just left a job that I hated? You don’t have to believe me (since you do think I made it up as a ploy to get back with you), but I did take this job to be able to afford an engagement ring and pay for a wedding, and save enough to start a family. If you had held on until the summer, I would have proposed. I knew exactly what I would have said to you too. I had it planned out, but you were too impatient and gave up. The only reason why I told you about proposing to you was to defend myself when you said I didn’t take us seriously. Not to hope you would get back together with me. If we had gotten back together after that, I don’t see how I could have possibly proposed to you after the way you broke up with me. You look like the one that didn’t take me/us seriously. You broke up with me…again…through a text message…again. Are we in high school? Make up/break up. No communication other than a message that took you about 30 seconds to write. Awesome. Yet apparently I’m the one that didn’t take us seriously. LOL.
3. You feel like you weren’t a part of my life. As mentioned above, I spent 90% of my time off with you. And before that, we spent just about everyday together. You always tell me that it’s not fair for me to bring up things that happened in the past, yet you had no problem telling me over the phone that it still bothered you that I didn’t take you to Chris’ going away party….that was about 2 months into our relationship over a year ago. So let’s make a list of all the times I didn’t invite you to something:
1. Chris’ going away party,
2. Guys night at the bowling alley (twice),
3. Jess and Cassie’s homecoming,
4. Tricia’s going away party,
5. Coheed and Cambria show (which we weren’t even together for when you broke up with me and could have gone as there was a free ticket)
…can’t think of another. Maybe you’ll have an easier time thinking of times I excluded you. But here’s a list of things you’ve excluded me from:
1. Liam’s going away happy hour (or should I say date since it was just the both of you?), 2. Zach’s homecoming/every time Zach was in town,
3 Every time you hung out with Eric (and I still don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you, but it really bothers me to this day),
4. Every time you went to Wolfe’s with your mom,
5. The countless lunches you had with Jeff during my 3 month time off when I live 5 minutes from your work,
6. Your meetup.com events,
7. Your “blind dates” with ‘girls’,
8. Drinks with the guys after work,
9. Bruno/the Hangover,
10. Koto’s,
11. Game night at your house, apparently, with Jeff,
12. Or how about the times you blew me off when we had plans because you were mad at me so you went and did something else without me?
It may only look like 12 things, but most of them were repeated many times. So I exclude you? It looks like it was the other way around. And the funny thing is I didn’t mind that you had a life outside of us. I didn’t care that you did these things. And if I did get mad or jealous, I got over it quickly.
And speaking of not feeling like a part of someone’s life…I rocked your birthday. I did for you all the things you wanted, and celebrated all weekend. How did my birthday go? Could you return the favor? Could you be there for me during the difficult time? No, your shit was more important…again. (You talk about wanting to feel like numbero uno in my life, but you shuffle me aside all the time to deal with your problems, when I shuffle my problems aside to deal with your problems. See the problem here?) It was more important to go see yet another guy who is admittedly in love with you. You ignored my calls and texts, and you broke up with me on my actual birthday. Was all of that supposed to make me feel like I was a part of your life? I busted my ass trying to make your birthday special. I had plans for your day, which you made me break because you didn’t want a big deal for your birthday. Then 2 days before your birthday, you tell me you do want it to be a big deal. I had to scramble to get reservations for Koto on a Friday night (grill table). I went above and beyond with your presents because you said no guys has ever really given you something. I did everything in my power to make you feel special and happy on your birthday, and I nailed it. What did I get? I got yelled at by you in your car. Then you broke up with me. Then you spent the weekend with some douche bag that has a crush on you. Awesome. And that whole jealousy thing comes up yet again. You expect me to be patient regarding your jealousy, so I’m not allowed to hang out with girls. But you only hang out with guys…and most of them have told you that they’re in love with you. And I’m supposed to be ok with that? You said, “That’s not how I roll. I can’t be with a guy that gets jealous about me having guy friends.” You said that during the whole Eric fiasco. But at the same time, you tell me to be patient with you. Do you see how fucked-up-backwards-hypocritical that is? You did that a lot through out the relationship, and I let it go. You threw out all of this, ‘do as I say, not as I do’ shit. And then you get mad at me for doing a, ‘tit for tat’? Ok, well how am I supposed to know if something hurts you if you are obviously ok enough with it to do it to me? Was your thinking along the lines of, “Well what I’m about to do will probably hurt Tom…I know if he did it to me, I would be really hurt…I think I’m going to do it anyway, and then when he thinks it’s ok to do it, I’ll tell him it’s wrong. Then I’ll tell him he’s being a jerk and that he’s just trying to get even with me. Yeah, sounds like a plan.”? Because that’s the way it felt. Like everything you do is right, and when you’re wrong, you can just apologize and everything is fine. Just because you say you’re sorry doesn’t mean that I’m not still hurt by what you had done. It doesn’t go back and erase all the really dumb stuff you did/said.
So you didn’t feel like a part of my life. Hmmmm. It really seems like to me that you were the one that pushed away. I’ve wanted nothing more than to spend all of my time with you. You told me that no guy has ever dated you for more than a month before he had to take a week long break from you. I never took a break from you/us. I loved you, and I wanted to be with you as much as possible. Hell, I even went on that terrible trip to Boston with you and your parents. The biggest reason why I broke down and cried is because spending all the time with your mom made me miss my mom. Seeing the things she did for you for Valentine’s Day made me realize what I was missing this year. All I wanted to do was cook you a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at my house, and be cuddly and lovey with you all night. You wanted to go to Boston…that’s fine. But again we end up doing the things you want to do. Like on New Years’, I booked the hotel and martini lounge because you wanted to do it. Then you were sad about your sister, and didn’t feel like it, so again we did what you wanted to do and stayed in. I was just happy to spend the night with you, so I didn’t care what we did. But it’s really ballsy for you to get mad/upset at me for being sad about my mom on St. Patrick’s Day (we’re Irish, and you know it’s a big deal for me), and having to take care of some of her business, when you’re allowed to pretty much shut down New Years’ Eve because you’re sad that you sister went back to AZ. Hypocritical? I think so. St. Patty’s Day parade, you wanted to do the Pub, so I bought tickets and I wanted us to meet up with some of my friends, but you over indulged and got sick, and changed the plans on me…again.
4. You can’t make me feel better about losing my mom? No shit. Could you make your mom feel better about losing your Oma? Does she still get sad on days that were important to her and her mom? I’m guessing yes. But do you divorce your parents, or move out and stop talking to them? No, you stay with them. That’s the only thing you had to do for me. Be with me. When I’m sad, holding your hand, getting a hug or a kiss, hearing that you love me or just sitting next to you is all I needed to feel comforted. I never asked you to do anything to make me feel better about it. It wasn’t your job to make me feel better. I’m supposed to grieve. Grieving is natural, and takes time. There’s no magic fix-it button, or time limit, or anything when it comes to losing a loved one. I took comfort in you being there for me. If you felt like you were doing a ‘bad job’ at being there for me, that is just some fantasy you made up in your head. Because I was happy with what you had done for me. You can’t just fix everything. Just like you couldn’t just fix your mom’s feelings when she lost her mother. It’s not your job, responsibility, or duty. I was happy with you. I didn’t expect you to just make everything all better, and I didn’t look for you to try to change my mood when I was sad. I needed to be sad. Being sad is natural when it comes to grief. I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t sad, if I could just get over it. I’d be worried if I was so sad over my mom, and you do or say something magical that just made everything all better. It would make me wonder if I had any remorse over losing her at all.
5. I wasn’t there for you? Who took you to the hospital whenever you were freaked out about something with your body? Who made it a point to tell you everyday that he loves you? Who held your hand or hugged you when you were sad? Who told you everyday that you were beautiful? Who listened to you when you were upset (either with your sister, your mom, your dad, work stuff, school stuff, your body, your feelings)? Who pushed aside his own wants and needs to satisfy yours? Who gave more than he had to you? Who didn’t give up on you? Who didn’t give up on us? Who looks into your eyes and you know he loves you without him even saying a word? Who gives you butterflies after 9 years? Who goes to bed early because you have to be up early? Who doesn’t go out on a Thursday night when he doesn’t have to work on Friday so he can spend quality time with you? Who took a job he didn’t like so he could be a provider and a husband for you? Who said he would go to therapy with you? Who said he wants to work on communicating better with you because he loves you so we stop jumping to conclusions from poorly worded text messages from you? Who was at your Christmas party with your family even though he had no family of his own, so being in that situation gave him severe anxiety? Who made our anniversary special, romantic and amazing to prove to you how much you mean to him? Who paid for everything while he was unemployed because he wanted to be a gentleman, a provider, and a man you could be proud to be with? Who almost fought 2 big ass dudes because one of them grabbed your ass? Who rubs your back when you’re feeling sick? Who gives you a massage almost every time we’re together? Who gets up to get you a drink in your own house? Who sleeps bundled up because you get cold even though he gets hot? Who will put on Dawn of the Dead for the 100th time rather than a comedy he wants to watch? Who drops his bad day and sadness because you’re having a bad day and are sad, and he wants to cheer you up? Who says wise ass comments to put a smile on your face when you’re down? Who loves you more than any woman he’s ever been with? Who was willing to spend the rest of his life with you? Who was there for you?
The way you broke up with me was inexcusable. How did it go from how much you love me and appreciate me on Sunday, to you dropping a text message break up with me on Wednesday? That is a tremendously drastic change. Especially when you tell me that I should hang out with friends that week because it was my last week before work and I’ve spent almost all of my time off with you. So, you tell me to do something, and I have plans for that Saturday to do something, and you get mad at me? I’m irritated that when I follow your directions and do what I’m told by you, I still get in trouble. You find some way to be mad at me. Like we’ve talked about, I’m not a mind reader, and you need to tell me what you’re actually thinking/feeling instead of the opposite all the time. It’s really fucked up that I’m supposed to know that I’m really supposed to do the opposite of what you say. If you can’t be honest and open with me, how were we supposed to work?
I may never know the real reason why you broke up with me. Maybe you stopped loving me. Maybe you found someone else. Maybe you just need some time to be on your own and figure out yourself. I don’t know. But for the reasons you gave me above, I harbor a ton of resentment towards you. I thought I had my heart broken before you…I was wrong. This hurts worse than any of those other times. I am completely devastated. The only way I can get over you and move on with my life is to be mad at you. And that I am. I feel like your reasoning and motives were selfish. I feel like the way you handled everything was immature and infantile. And I feel like you are a liar and I cannot trust you. I have never given you an opportunity to doubt or not trust me. I’ve been faithful and loyal to you. You spent more time with me than anyone else so you knew exactly what I was doing all the time and you knew I couldn’t possibly be capable of cheating on you or anything like that. Yet you were always jealous and accusing. And now from your actions, questions are arising about things you may have done with others while dating me. Your insecurity in this moment is making me insecure. You’ve created a monster, and I’m putting a stop to him. No longer will this monster have sleepless nights feeling lonely for you, feeling empty, and feeling sad. No longer will this monster not eat for days on end because his stomach is anxious and in knots over missing you/wondering what/who you’re doing. No longer will I drown my sorrows away in alcohol and drugs. I’m better than that. I say goodbye to you…and hello to the old me.
The funny thing is you will probably bounce from relationship to relationship with guys you don’t love, searching for whatever validation you need, not realizing that you had it all along with me, but you just chose to ignore it. You chose to close your eyes or look the other way when I was giving you everything you wanted. Or if I wasn’t giving you something you needed, you never spoke up and told me what you needed. I’m sure you will find a guy who loves you as much as I did, and I’m sure you will eventually settle with him. But one thing I can say for sure is no man will love you the same way that I did, and no man will ever make you feel the way that I did. You walked away from a really great guy, and he can’t go walking after you again
I asked you why you had left me. Your answer: 1. You feel like I’m pushing you away, 2. You don’t think I’m taking our relationship seriously, 3. You don’t feel like you were a part of my life, 4. You can’t help me feel better about losing my mom, 5. I wasn’t there for you. Each one of those reasons is bullshit.
1. Push you away? Why? Just because I wasn’t ready to move in with you after a year? Like that’s some kind of rule or something. You haven’t been in a relationship that has lasted more than a few months, so how does that make you an expert on when we should move in? And I was ready to move in with you, but I had already signed the lease with Jay. It was rush-rush, and I didn’t have time to think about what I was doing. Still grieving over my mom, still disheveled from being unemployed, I made the decision with the only bearings being that you and I fight a LOT. It didn’t help that you were badgering me about it either. I wanted to move in and even talked to Jay about him moving in with Laura a little down the road so you could move into our place until the lease ended. I didn’t want to lose you, so I postponed us moving in. I asked you to be patient with us moving in because I was going through a lot. In fact, I believe that is the only time I’ve actually asked you to do something just for me. The first time I reached out and told you exactly what I needed. I’ve always done all that you asked of me, haven’t I? You asked me to be patient about your jealousy, I was. You asked me to not give up on you, or give up on us, I didn’t. You asked me to be patient with all of your hang ups, low self-esteem, body image issues, depression, being a hypochondriac etc., and I did…without question or hesitation. Yes all of those things you had been going through frustrated me. But did I give up on you? Did I give up on us? When you love someone, you don’t walk away just because things get hard. You make it work, you help your partner, and make it through the dark, difficult times.
2. How was I not taking our relationship seriously? Not taking it seriously would be breaking up with you, spending less and less time with you, and stop saying I love you. I told you everyday that I loved you, even when you were mad at me. I told you how beautiful you were to me, and how much I appreciate the things you do for me. I even said I’d go to therapy with you. I spent 90% of my 3 months off with you. Missing out on parties, get-togethers, and other what could have been good times, to hang out with you. And I didn’t regret missing out on those times. Times with you were good times. I liked being with you. You made me feel whole, and useful, and loved.
I had a choice to make: Take the good paying shitty job, or the low paying job that will make me happy. Why did I take a job that I knew I wasn’t going to like, if I had just left a job that I hated? You don’t have to believe me (since you do think I made it up as a ploy to get back with you), but I did take this job to be able to afford an engagement ring and pay for a wedding, and save enough to start a family. If you had held on until the summer, I would have proposed. I knew exactly what I would have said to you too. I had it planned out, but you were too impatient and gave up. The only reason why I told you about proposing to you was to defend myself when you said I didn’t take us seriously. Not to hope you would get back together with me. If we had gotten back together after that, I don’t see how I could have possibly proposed to you after the way you broke up with me. You look like the one that didn’t take me/us seriously. You broke up with me…again…through a text message…again. Are we in high school? Make up/break up. No communication other than a message that took you about 30 seconds to write. Awesome. Yet apparently I’m the one that didn’t take us seriously. LOL.
3. You feel like you weren’t a part of my life. As mentioned above, I spent 90% of my time off with you. And before that, we spent just about everyday together. You always tell me that it’s not fair for me to bring up things that happened in the past, yet you had no problem telling me over the phone that it still bothered you that I didn’t take you to Chris’ going away party….that was about 2 months into our relationship over a year ago. So let’s make a list of all the times I didn’t invite you to something:
1. Chris’ going away party,
2. Guys night at the bowling alley (twice),
3. Jess and Cassie’s homecoming,
4. Tricia’s going away party,
5. Coheed and Cambria show (which we weren’t even together for when you broke up with me and could have gone as there was a free ticket)
…can’t think of another. Maybe you’ll have an easier time thinking of times I excluded you. But here’s a list of things you’ve excluded me from:
1. Liam’s going away happy hour (or should I say date since it was just the both of you?), 2. Zach’s homecoming/every time Zach was in town,
3 Every time you hung out with Eric (and I still don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you, but it really bothers me to this day),
4. Every time you went to Wolfe’s with your mom,
5. The countless lunches you had with Jeff during my 3 month time off when I live 5 minutes from your work,
6. Your meetup.com events,
7. Your “blind dates” with ‘girls’,
8. Drinks with the guys after work,
9. Bruno/the Hangover,
10. Koto’s,
11. Game night at your house, apparently, with Jeff,
12. Or how about the times you blew me off when we had plans because you were mad at me so you went and did something else without me?
It may only look like 12 things, but most of them were repeated many times. So I exclude you? It looks like it was the other way around. And the funny thing is I didn’t mind that you had a life outside of us. I didn’t care that you did these things. And if I did get mad or jealous, I got over it quickly.
And speaking of not feeling like a part of someone’s life…I rocked your birthday. I did for you all the things you wanted, and celebrated all weekend. How did my birthday go? Could you return the favor? Could you be there for me during the difficult time? No, your shit was more important…again. (You talk about wanting to feel like numbero uno in my life, but you shuffle me aside all the time to deal with your problems, when I shuffle my problems aside to deal with your problems. See the problem here?) It was more important to go see yet another guy who is admittedly in love with you. You ignored my calls and texts, and you broke up with me on my actual birthday. Was all of that supposed to make me feel like I was a part of your life? I busted my ass trying to make your birthday special. I had plans for your day, which you made me break because you didn’t want a big deal for your birthday. Then 2 days before your birthday, you tell me you do want it to be a big deal. I had to scramble to get reservations for Koto on a Friday night (grill table). I went above and beyond with your presents because you said no guys has ever really given you something. I did everything in my power to make you feel special and happy on your birthday, and I nailed it. What did I get? I got yelled at by you in your car. Then you broke up with me. Then you spent the weekend with some douche bag that has a crush on you. Awesome. And that whole jealousy thing comes up yet again. You expect me to be patient regarding your jealousy, so I’m not allowed to hang out with girls. But you only hang out with guys…and most of them have told you that they’re in love with you. And I’m supposed to be ok with that? You said, “That’s not how I roll. I can’t be with a guy that gets jealous about me having guy friends.” You said that during the whole Eric fiasco. But at the same time, you tell me to be patient with you. Do you see how fucked-up-backwards-hypocritical that is? You did that a lot through out the relationship, and I let it go. You threw out all of this, ‘do as I say, not as I do’ shit. And then you get mad at me for doing a, ‘tit for tat’? Ok, well how am I supposed to know if something hurts you if you are obviously ok enough with it to do it to me? Was your thinking along the lines of, “Well what I’m about to do will probably hurt Tom…I know if he did it to me, I would be really hurt…I think I’m going to do it anyway, and then when he thinks it’s ok to do it, I’ll tell him it’s wrong. Then I’ll tell him he’s being a jerk and that he’s just trying to get even with me. Yeah, sounds like a plan.”? Because that’s the way it felt. Like everything you do is right, and when you’re wrong, you can just apologize and everything is fine. Just because you say you’re sorry doesn’t mean that I’m not still hurt by what you had done. It doesn’t go back and erase all the really dumb stuff you did/said.
So you didn’t feel like a part of my life. Hmmmm. It really seems like to me that you were the one that pushed away. I’ve wanted nothing more than to spend all of my time with you. You told me that no guy has ever dated you for more than a month before he had to take a week long break from you. I never took a break from you/us. I loved you, and I wanted to be with you as much as possible. Hell, I even went on that terrible trip to Boston with you and your parents. The biggest reason why I broke down and cried is because spending all the time with your mom made me miss my mom. Seeing the things she did for you for Valentine’s Day made me realize what I was missing this year. All I wanted to do was cook you a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at my house, and be cuddly and lovey with you all night. You wanted to go to Boston…that’s fine. But again we end up doing the things you want to do. Like on New Years’, I booked the hotel and martini lounge because you wanted to do it. Then you were sad about your sister, and didn’t feel like it, so again we did what you wanted to do and stayed in. I was just happy to spend the night with you, so I didn’t care what we did. But it’s really ballsy for you to get mad/upset at me for being sad about my mom on St. Patrick’s Day (we’re Irish, and you know it’s a big deal for me), and having to take care of some of her business, when you’re allowed to pretty much shut down New Years’ Eve because you’re sad that you sister went back to AZ. Hypocritical? I think so. St. Patty’s Day parade, you wanted to do the Pub, so I bought tickets and I wanted us to meet up with some of my friends, but you over indulged and got sick, and changed the plans on me…again.
4. You can’t make me feel better about losing my mom? No shit. Could you make your mom feel better about losing your Oma? Does she still get sad on days that were important to her and her mom? I’m guessing yes. But do you divorce your parents, or move out and stop talking to them? No, you stay with them. That’s the only thing you had to do for me. Be with me. When I’m sad, holding your hand, getting a hug or a kiss, hearing that you love me or just sitting next to you is all I needed to feel comforted. I never asked you to do anything to make me feel better about it. It wasn’t your job to make me feel better. I’m supposed to grieve. Grieving is natural, and takes time. There’s no magic fix-it button, or time limit, or anything when it comes to losing a loved one. I took comfort in you being there for me. If you felt like you were doing a ‘bad job’ at being there for me, that is just some fantasy you made up in your head. Because I was happy with what you had done for me. You can’t just fix everything. Just like you couldn’t just fix your mom’s feelings when she lost her mother. It’s not your job, responsibility, or duty. I was happy with you. I didn’t expect you to just make everything all better, and I didn’t look for you to try to change my mood when I was sad. I needed to be sad. Being sad is natural when it comes to grief. I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t sad, if I could just get over it. I’d be worried if I was so sad over my mom, and you do or say something magical that just made everything all better. It would make me wonder if I had any remorse over losing her at all.
5. I wasn’t there for you? Who took you to the hospital whenever you were freaked out about something with your body? Who made it a point to tell you everyday that he loves you? Who held your hand or hugged you when you were sad? Who told you everyday that you were beautiful? Who listened to you when you were upset (either with your sister, your mom, your dad, work stuff, school stuff, your body, your feelings)? Who pushed aside his own wants and needs to satisfy yours? Who gave more than he had to you? Who didn’t give up on you? Who didn’t give up on us? Who looks into your eyes and you know he loves you without him even saying a word? Who gives you butterflies after 9 years? Who goes to bed early because you have to be up early? Who doesn’t go out on a Thursday night when he doesn’t have to work on Friday so he can spend quality time with you? Who took a job he didn’t like so he could be a provider and a husband for you? Who said he would go to therapy with you? Who said he wants to work on communicating better with you because he loves you so we stop jumping to conclusions from poorly worded text messages from you? Who was at your Christmas party with your family even though he had no family of his own, so being in that situation gave him severe anxiety? Who made our anniversary special, romantic and amazing to prove to you how much you mean to him? Who paid for everything while he was unemployed because he wanted to be a gentleman, a provider, and a man you could be proud to be with? Who almost fought 2 big ass dudes because one of them grabbed your ass? Who rubs your back when you’re feeling sick? Who gives you a massage almost every time we’re together? Who gets up to get you a drink in your own house? Who sleeps bundled up because you get cold even though he gets hot? Who will put on Dawn of the Dead for the 100th time rather than a comedy he wants to watch? Who drops his bad day and sadness because you’re having a bad day and are sad, and he wants to cheer you up? Who says wise ass comments to put a smile on your face when you’re down? Who loves you more than any woman he’s ever been with? Who was willing to spend the rest of his life with you? Who was there for you?
The way you broke up with me was inexcusable. How did it go from how much you love me and appreciate me on Sunday, to you dropping a text message break up with me on Wednesday? That is a tremendously drastic change. Especially when you tell me that I should hang out with friends that week because it was my last week before work and I’ve spent almost all of my time off with you. So, you tell me to do something, and I have plans for that Saturday to do something, and you get mad at me? I’m irritated that when I follow your directions and do what I’m told by you, I still get in trouble. You find some way to be mad at me. Like we’ve talked about, I’m not a mind reader, and you need to tell me what you’re actually thinking/feeling instead of the opposite all the time. It’s really fucked up that I’m supposed to know that I’m really supposed to do the opposite of what you say. If you can’t be honest and open with me, how were we supposed to work?
I may never know the real reason why you broke up with me. Maybe you stopped loving me. Maybe you found someone else. Maybe you just need some time to be on your own and figure out yourself. I don’t know. But for the reasons you gave me above, I harbor a ton of resentment towards you. I thought I had my heart broken before you…I was wrong. This hurts worse than any of those other times. I am completely devastated. The only way I can get over you and move on with my life is to be mad at you. And that I am. I feel like your reasoning and motives were selfish. I feel like the way you handled everything was immature and infantile. And I feel like you are a liar and I cannot trust you. I have never given you an opportunity to doubt or not trust me. I’ve been faithful and loyal to you. You spent more time with me than anyone else so you knew exactly what I was doing all the time and you knew I couldn’t possibly be capable of cheating on you or anything like that. Yet you were always jealous and accusing. And now from your actions, questions are arising about things you may have done with others while dating me. Your insecurity in this moment is making me insecure. You’ve created a monster, and I’m putting a stop to him. No longer will this monster have sleepless nights feeling lonely for you, feeling empty, and feeling sad. No longer will this monster not eat for days on end because his stomach is anxious and in knots over missing you/wondering what/who you’re doing. No longer will I drown my sorrows away in alcohol and drugs. I’m better than that. I say goodbye to you…and hello to the old me.
The funny thing is you will probably bounce from relationship to relationship with guys you don’t love, searching for whatever validation you need, not realizing that you had it all along with me, but you just chose to ignore it. You chose to close your eyes or look the other way when I was giving you everything you wanted. Or if I wasn’t giving you something you needed, you never spoke up and told me what you needed. I’m sure you will find a guy who loves you as much as I did, and I’m sure you will eventually settle with him. But one thing I can say for sure is no man will love you the same way that I did, and no man will ever make you feel the way that I did. You walked away from a really great guy, and he can’t go walking after you again
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